It was exactly two months and one week ago when I climbed back into bed to ask Josh if he was ready for his life to change. Because at a ripe age of 43 and-a-half, I was pregnant. And that’s without any doctors involved. It was a miracle, and we were both elated; I’d say it was easily the happiest day in my life so far. With the wedding just a few months away, my biggest worry was that I now needed a new dress, one more suitable for a blushing knocked-up bride.
Today I’m in a hospital bed, typing this through a tramadol haze. I have a C-section scar, but no baby – the only thing that had come out was a 9cm (3.5 inches) uterine fibroid that had caused a miscarriage and more grief than I have ever experienced in my life so far. It was like boarding a flight, all giddy and happy, on your way to a new adventure, only to find yourself in a tailspin, with each new test or doctor delivering worse and worse news. I’d like to tell you that I was strong and brave through this ordeal, but it’s not true. When I was referred to an oncologist surgeon, because there was no way to confirm that the bastard is not malignant without cutting it out, I cried all day. When I got myself together enough to get a second opinion only to find out that I will need two surgeries because the bastard created a massive blood supply for itself, I pretty much lost it. There was an episode at home, when I screamed “I can’t do this!” and “Fuck you!” at the walls until I could barely breathe.
My family tried to help. I spoke with a psychologist. I took Valium. I went to work and tried to distract myself with strategic plans, or whatever. Still, I could not get a grip. Part of the reason was that I could not stop beating myself up for not doing something about it earlier. Cause, you see, I knew about the bastard for at least three years, and so did my doctors. It showed up on an ultrasound back then, but it was 4.5cm (2″) and I was told not to worry about it, because they are common, and they could shrink on their own. I did worry about it, because my mother and grandmother had enormous ones that almost killed them, but sighed with relief and put it out of my mind.
It turns out I had a lot of options back then, like laparoscopic surgery, medication, or embolization. I had very few options this time, and they were all bad, sort of comparing rotten apples to rotten oranges. I picked one which seemed to make more sense, took more Valium, and kept putting one foot in front of the other and filling one form after another, until I finally woke up from general anaesthesia for the second time.
It has now been four days in recovery, and the worst is behind me, I hope. I have also found that grip I was so desperately looking for earlier. As a self-proclaimed Queen of Silver Linings, I found a few even in this miserable shithole of a situation. I managed to fall pregnant naturally, so it could happen again. I found out about the bastard before it grew to a size of a baseball (yes, they can do that) and required a hysterectomy. I didn’t need blood transfusion and the nurses keep commenting on how quickly I’m healing. Josh and I are more in love than ever, and we are still getting married, only a few weeks later than originally planned. I have six weeks of paid sick leave, so I will finish my third novel. I’m alive. I can, actually, do “this” or whatever else life throws at me.
I have also learned a lesson, and this is the one I wanted to share with you: trust your gut and get three quotes or opinions on anything important. Bathroom remodel? Get three quotes. Manuscript edit? Well, I got about six quotes with sample pages. That persistent pain your doctor dismisses as “normal” and “nothing to worry about”? You get the point. You are the one who cares the most about your body, children, finances, and yes – your book. If you feel that something isn’t right, don’t let others dismiss you. Stand up for yourself. Be a brick wall – not aggressive or angry, just self assured and persistent.
I’d also like thank everyone who’d shown me so much support when I freaked out and asked for prayers on Twitter just minutes before the first surgery. It was amazing to see such an outpouring of support, well wishes, and even people contacting me privately, all worried about what was going on. Sadly, some of my real- life “friends” were not as caring. They will be fired. I needed to make some space for new friends, anyway.
Here’s looking at you, kid.
Ana Spoke, author 
I’m so sorry to hear about this. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!
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Thank you, Alex. I’m doing very well now, fingers crossed that I’m going home tomorrow.
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Wow. Thinking of you. That’s a helluva lot, and I’m glad you’re okay. I’m so sorry for your pain and send you lots of love, good energy and all that jazz. I’ve been known to fire friends who act like asshats when I need support. I highly recommend it. Seriously, be well, and do what you need to do to heal. xoxo
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Thank you very much! I feel better already 🙂
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What a terrible ordeal. So pleased to hear that you are firmly on the road to recovery. Be well!
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Thank you 🙂
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Recover quickly. May the sun shine every day and your life, once again make some sense quickly.
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Thank you, Pete 🙂 apparently, I’m recovering a lot quicker than average, and the sun IS shining, which is rare in Melbourne this time of the year…
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You have my heart. Sending love and support ever and always. ❤
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Thank you so much, Annette! I know, you rock, as always.
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Sending you well wishes and prayers. Hope you have a speedy recovery. My mom went through this, doing well. Light and love to you Ana. 💜
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Thank you very much! I’m doing so much better already. In some ways, this was a lot better than I expected.
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You’re welcome Ana.
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Happy to read you’re recovering quickly! Sad you had to go through this at all. Don’t give up! You CAN do this!
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I’ve always rooted for your novels and admired your self-publishing venture. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
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Thank you, Carolyn! I really, really appreciate that. It’s really quite amazing that I can feel this warm fuzzy connection with people I’ve never met…
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Speedy recovery to you, Ana. I’ve had two c-sections and I know what the recovery from that surgery is like. Glad to hear you’ve made it to the other side. x
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Thank you so much, Abby! My poor sister has had two as well, and I just can’t imagine. I guess you forget, right?
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I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through this. My wife and I had a couple of miscarriages over the years. 😔
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I’m so sorry! It’s absolutely devastating, and it doesn’t help when doctors tell you that it’s common. When it’s happening to you, the world stops. Hope you have recovered mentally from that.
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Yeah, it was hard. They were years ago though. And we have three boys. After one of the miscarriages my wife had a DNC, then we promptly ended up pregnant with the twins. So don’t give up. 😊
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Oh, poor thing! What a trooper – and congrats to you both 🙂
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Thanks. Those twins are now 11! Good luck in trying again. Don’t give up. 😊
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So sorry about the ordeal you had to go through. I’m glad you can find some positives in a such a heartbreaking situation. Still, I’m going to add you to my prayer list. Take care.
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Thank you so much.
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Sorry to hear you’ve had to go through such a terrible ordeal. It is very nice to hear you’re healing quickly and will be back on your feet soon. Take care of yourself and God bless.
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Thank you very much, Bryan 🙂
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I can’t say sorry because it was beyond anyones fault, except the doctor. I am glad you are alive and kicking and making us facepalm ourselves reading your books. I do give you many hugs for the ordeal you went through. You are loved and wish you more love to come.
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You’re amazing to write this and share this. May God be with you through every stage of grief, and may you experience uncontrollable bursts of laughter that reminds you for a moment how awesome of a Healer God is and how miraculously He works!
Prayers going up for you!
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Thank you so much. It was so therapeutic to write this. I cried more while I wrote, but I got all the thoughts out of my head and hope to sleep tonight – I have slept only about 2 hours per night for 3 nights in the row, and I think the thoughts were to blame.
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Oh, Tony! Thank you so much! I do feel loved, and it was amazing to have my relationship tested so early on and come out stronger than ever.
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I give you so much credit for sharing your story, so eloquently, as well. I relate all too well to your story. I applaud you for finding the silver lining. I have a feeling Isa will provide you with some cathartic relief. I wish you the best, with all my heart.
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Oh, no, Brittany, I hope you too have healed or healing from your experience. I can’t wait to get back to writing, although it will be a while before I can laugh properly. I have invented a ridiculous snorting giggle to let the laughter out – Josh and my sister have been too good at trying to cheer me up.
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You are entitled to take a break from being brave and strong for the duration if you like. It’s a lot to handle.
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Thank you. Crying is a great therapy, and so is writing. Once home, I intend to put my feet up, but the fingers will most likely be on a keyboard 🙂
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So sorry you had to go through all this! Hope you get your silver lining in spades for all the pain you’ve had to go through. *Virtual hug* Congrats on your upcoming marriage too!
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Thank you very much – big hug back 🙂 who knows, I could have a similar spiral upwards one day!
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I’m sure you will :]
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Oh, Ana, so sorry to hear that but happy you’re alive and well! Stay strong and thank you for sharing your story! Keep writing as that’s where your soul will be happiest and keep you sane, and enjoy your time with your honey. Sending good thoughts your way!
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Thank you, Nancy! Can’t wait to start writing, I’m so tired of being sad. I’m really positive today, big thanks again to everyone for so much love.
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The “like” button I pressed above is for how this post — and you– inspire me. You treat that half-full glass like it’s champagne. My thoughts and prayers are with you, plus congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
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Thank you, Barb. I absolutely love that visual! That’s it, my motto is now “glass half-full of champagne”. Thank you!!
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Reblogged this on Kim's Author Support Blog.
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Wishing you a very speedy recovery!
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Thank you, Natasha!
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Good luck with this much brighter future Ana.I hope it includes a baby if that’s what you both want. Best of luck with the wedding. I hope it’s a fantastic day,
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
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Thank you, David. A baby would be amazing, but we love each other so much, it’s not a prerequisite. Huge hugs back 🙂
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It’s only when a miscarriage happens and you tell people that you find out how many others have had the same experience. My thoughts are with you.
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Yes, the custom dictates that you must keep it quiet, but it makes the pain only worse. Thank you.
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Take good care of yourself. All the very best to you and Josh. Kevin
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Ana, sorry that you had to endure such sorrow and deal with these surgeries. I’ve scrubbed many of these surgeries in my career and I know what you have gone thru. You will heal fine. Just keep your positive attitude up because that makes all the difference in the world. The doctors always make it seem grim as hell when there is no need for it to be that way. I haven’t understood why some of them want to scare the crap out of the patient with the worst case scenario even before they have the pathology report back. You are right always get 3 or more opinions and go with your gut feeling as your the only person who truly cares about your health and knows what is the norm for your body. I worked in the OR, out on the floor in the hospital, and L&D & I taught Surgical Technology at a college.I just wish I had known what you were going thru and maybe I could have helped alleviate some of your fears about what was going on and what was going to happen in surgery. Now that you have come thru all this and your on the other side looking at the positives you will heal quickly and the bad part will fade away. You are lucky you have Josh and your sister to be your support system. Look forward to your future, your wedding and your books becoming bestsellers. I’m sorry I missed your tweet just before surgery but you still have my prayers and positive vibes to get well soon. Now let Josh wait on you, put up those feet, start writing and rejoice the old bastard is dead!!
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Hi, Olivia! I wish I knew you had this knowledge! Every now and then I regret not having the third oncologist opinion, like I’m advising everyone, but you’re right: every doctor I saw was just “yep, it has to come out.” I was hysterical at times, and I have also learned that you have to force yourself not to panic, because you just can’t process the info. Easier said than done, of course. Thank you so much for your kind words, and yes, I am rejoicing in the fact that I have killed the bastard. One more day of waiting for pathology results, but I’m very positive about that. Big hugs.
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They were right it did need to come out since it had established it’s own blood supply. That could have led to it growing to the size of a grapefruit or bigger and damaging your uterus permanently beyond repair. And when it establishes it’s own blood supply some abnormal cells could be involved, not necessarily cancerous ones, but ones that could become cancer. I’ve helped remove one the size of a cantaloupe.Whoa! And it wasn’t cancer. But the only way to know is by a biopsy of the tissue. Cancer tissue can grow a new blood supply as it needs more nutrients and so becomes very vascular in nature. I understand about the panic, even though I worked in the field all my career I’ve had two cancer scares and no matter what that panic will be there. Also your hormones were still out of balance from your miscarriage and you were grieving. That is a lot to deal with, so being hysterical helped you deal with it and that is very normal. I always have been able to calm myself down because of my knowledge base. My problem is I do know too much and sometimes that isn’t always the best either. Your going to be fine, I have a very good feeling about the pathology report. A good cry and screaming therapy truly are good tools for extremely stressful situations, I have used them myself many times over the years. If someone hasn’t their not human. Let me know how you are doing, I care! 🙂
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Thank you, Olivia, this really helps! The latest stress I put myself through was what if this was unnecessary surgery and I get side effects that outweigh the benefits. They did fibroid embolisation first (they swore it was not the main uterus arteries, only the fibroid ones, but embolisation particles could escape and block wrong arteries). Usually this is an option to myomectomy, but they did both in order to minimise blood loss. It worked, and supposedly I only lost 100 ml of blood in surgery, which is crazy, but every time I had a stabbing pain after (which was a lot) I was in panic that my ovary is failing. It all seems to be going really well, but my nerves are so on edge…thanks again for your support. You have always cared, I never doubted that 🙂
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😥 I feel for you. So sorry to hear that you are dealing with all this
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Thank you so much. Things are getting better 🙂
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Sorry to hear all this, Ana. Good to see you’re keeping your positive attitude and your plans are going ahead. Thinking of you and anything I can do… ♥
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Thank you, Olga, as always. I’ve had the best day so far, and big part of it was the writing therapy and then reading and answering all the well wishes. Thank you.
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Keep that positive attitude and you’ll see a bright future, I’m sure. I hope you heal soon. Good luck for your wedding.
I feel your pain. I had a miscarriage in June at 3 months pregnant. I also have complications (ovarian cysts) that were discovered in the aftermath.
Us women are warriors, that’s for sure.
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Oh, no, not at 3 months! At least mine was early, so I didn’t get a chance to bond with the dream. I’m so, so sorry for you. I hope you’re healing from your ordeal and that you get your dreams. Thank you very much for your kind words.
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Thank you. I’m lucky to have a 6 year old daughter, so I count my blessings.
It’s amazing how many women have suffered through miscarriage, and others telling me their experiences helped me, and showed me just how common it is.
It’s 3 months on for me, and I’m doing great. You will too 🙂
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That’s great to hear 🙂 don’t give up, I know someone with two miscarriages between the first and second kid. Miracles do happen.
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Your courage is amazing and will carry you through. I wish you luck in everything 😊
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Thank you very much, Clive. I’m glad I found that courage eventually. Getting wheeled into the theatre twice in as many days was horrific. I feel a bit better about this now, that I know how magical general anaesthesia truly is. Thanks again.
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Best wishes, Ana and Josh. Such a terrible event to endure, and you’re amazing how you find those silver linings. Hope your health is on the up and up, and glad you two are sharing this so lovingly.
Love, PJ
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Thank you so much, PJ! That is so sweet, and you’re right – the load is so much easier when its shared.
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Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie and commented:
so glad you made it through!
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Oh, Ana – I’m so sorry to hear about this. I wish you all the best while recovering, and I hope you will get plenty of rest. I’m so glad that you have a wonderful man like Josh to take care of you and help you through this. I wish both of you all the best, and congratulations on your up-coming marriage!
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Thank you so much, Susan 🙂 I have told Josh many, many times during this that despite taking it on the jaw, I feel like a lucky girl because I got him. It’s so hard to find a relationship like this in the modern dating consumer culture. Weirdly enough, I’m actually happy 🙂
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Bloody hell! That’s the ultimate bummer of a summer, doing that to you. Pleased you’re able to dig out a blog with a smile curling up in the corners. And in the half full/half empty paradigm, I’m always with the engineer wondering why they don’t just right size the glass and have it full all the time. Be healthy wealthy and wise though the wise piece can wait a while…
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Thank you so much. It’s actually winter down here in Australia, so it’s been miserable in every way possible. It was sunny today though, and the Spring is on the way. And hey, my glass is only half-full because I need the extra volume for all the bounty that’s sure to come in soon!
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I’m so sorry about that. Glad you got the bastard. Hang in there girl. Wishing you a beautiful married life with lots more children.
Chin up, stay strong and keep writing.
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Thank you very much. One kid would do 🙂 it would be a miracle to have that kid, but apparently I still can. Can’t wait to write again soon!
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Christ! Ana. What you’ve been through! I really feel for you. You’re one positive, strong woman, and if I was backing anyone to come through something like this, it’s you.
Things will never be the same, i know – but you have the absolutely perfect response in looking at any possible ‘silver linings.’
Wishing you a speedy recovery. x
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Thank you, Cee Tee 🙂 I’m really glad to have my groove back – for a while there, I was just a sobbing mess. So glad it’s almost over!
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You are without doubt a brave warrior. Your experience was one cruel trick, and I wish you all the very best for your future.
Take care of yourself and yours.
Roger
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Thank you, Roger. I definitely felt it was not real, it was like being caught in a horrific dream and hoping to wake up any moment. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I really appreciate it.
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Take care 🙂
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Thank you 🙂
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Ana , I read your sad and emotional story in a moment with a strange feeling of reading about myself. You are so right that we should be so careful about ourselves. Everyday work, beloved family, endless problems – constant feeling that you must do something – and I remember that terrible moment in a hospital and my doctor’s wise eyes, and his verdict. Since then years have passed and everything is much better now. I wish you to be patient , healthy and happy.Thank you.
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I’m so sorry to hear that, Alla, but glad it’s resolved now. Yes, care about ourselves, and surround ourselves with people that care about us. Makes anything possible.
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So sorry to hear about this Ana and sending best wishes for your recovery. Take care of yourself.
Pam
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Thank you very much, Pam. I’m doing great and about to go home 🙂
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Oh I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through such a horrible time :(. You certainly deserve al the love and support you are getting from everyone here and I hope even a virtual hug will help *hugs*. Keep going forward, try to put this into your past and think about your future. I wish the both of you a wonderful, stress free wedding and a happy future. If your body is able to then it’s not too late to still have a baby, no matter what just remember you have support and if you ever need anything just ask. Lots of love to you ❤ ❤
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Thank you very much, C. I’m already starting to think about this in past tense, which makes it easier. Big hug back.
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I am sorry, I missed your tweet or I would have joined in with the others wishing you strength and a quick recovery. While reading this I kept waiting for you to proclaim you were simply writing toward a fiction prompt. I am so very sorry for your loss, but hope beyond hope that your words inspire others to seek that second opinion and to always look for a silver lining.
Thinking of you…
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Thank you so much, Allie. Really appreciate those well wishes now, it’s going to be a long process. I felt like it was not real myself, actually told Josh when I was about to be admitted that it can’t be possible they will be doing all of those things to me, it just can’t be. I just had to give the control away at that point and breathe until it was over. Thanks again.
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My heart goes out to both of you.
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What a heart-wrenching journey you have been on! It was a wake-up call on many levels, apparently, something we all need in our lives at times…not always so drastic yet sometimes more so. Glad you are alive and recovering and making the decision to move forward with life and all the wondrous possibilities it still holds for you!
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Oh, it was, Terry. I’ve been such a healthy person, I’ve taken that health for granted. Just happy to know I’m getting it back and that the future looks good. Found another silver lining – having this surgery, the scar, and not being able to move makes me really excited to go back to the gym and get into a best shape of my life. Anything is possible 🙂
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Oh Ana! I’m so terribly sorry for your loss and the horrendous things you went through!!! Ay yi! Bless you for pulling a silver lining out of it, however hard it must be!!! All the best for the future and hope everything goes well for you from now on!! ❤
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Thank you so much, Ellie! I’m so, so much better this morning, just waiting to be released from the hospital and go home. Amazing.
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Wonderful, yay!! ❤
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/hugs
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🙂
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Praying for continued healing and that you “fall” pregnant again in the future. 🙂
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Thank you! That’s one “fall” I wouldn’t mind!
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Thinking of you! What a journey. Thanks for sharing what you have learned and I wish you all the best
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Thank you, Jena! It’s been unreal. But the sun is shining this morning and I’m about to be released from the hospital, so I’m happy.
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Your loss is tragic. Your resilience is greater than you may know. There is a gift of love and strength in there for you, somewhere. You’ll find the upside and heal with a gentle wistfulness. All the very best.
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Thank you, Mac. I did surprise myself quite a few times during the process, like not running away screaming when they’ve asked me to get on the operating table. The upsides are many and the future is as bright as the sunshine through my window 🙂
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What an ordeal…and still you find a way to help others…you are a strong woman! Take care of yourself.
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Ana,
I’m so sorry that you have gone through all of this. It is very brave of you to share for others to see.
The moments I have regretted the most are when I have ignored my own inner voice to follow the voice of someone else who “knew more”, “had more experience” or the like that ran counter to what I felt was the right path.
Be kind to yourself. Rest and heal. Take care.
Charlotte
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Oh Ana – I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and the surgery you’ve had to endure – I wish you a speedy recovery!
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Hi Ana,
Just adding my voice to the host of (well-deserved) supporters that are sending you ‘hugs and sympathy’.
good luck.
nick
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Thank you very much, Nick. I am feeling better every day, both physically and emotionally, and big part of it has been the care and support of the amazing nurses, my family, friends, and my online circle. It was an amazing experience, in a way.
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